Motherhood.

Being a mother is terrifying. Don't get me wrong, I love my children and love being a mother, but I am not perfect. Far from it in fact. Sometimes I yell, I get stressed out and overwhelmed, I toss and turn at night thinking about the ways I screwed up, how my poor children deserve the perfect mother, and yet they got stuck with me, lots of things. Sometimes I'm not sure how I got blessed with such funny, interesting, sweet baby girls, when I'm sure there's a long list of women who would do a better job as a mother.

Humans are unique. When we are born, we cannot do anything on our own. We have to be cared for and taught. And that is terrifying to me. Aoife is almost 11 months and still army crawls, she can't go from sitting to crawling (or vice versa) on her own. Shes not standing or pulling herself up. And sometimes I wonder what I'm doing wrong. Claire was "late" too, so I tried something different with Aoife, but she's "late" too. I miss my reassuring pediatrician and I'm a little upset with him for not relocating with us.

Claire just turned 2 in November, and I feel overwhelmed and disappointed that she isn't fluent in Latin, Spanish, and Romanian, can't read or write, and doesn't know the difference between mitosis and miosis. Sometimes I feel like I'm failing as a mother. 

We only have one car. In Utah, I'd drive Ross to work/school and pick him up every day. The girls and I would go explore and play. Since moving, Ross has needed the car to travel between offices. Now that orientation is done, us girls could have the car. Instead, Ross and I decided that he would have the car Monday, Wednesday, and Friday while I had it Tuesday and Thursday. That way we save gas, and the girls don't think they need fun outings every day. M/W/F have become my cleaning days. (Well, except for today. I'm still waking up.) But I also use those days to play with my girls. I make sure they get individual time, and time together. I've been looking on Pinterest, and I've found some indoor activities I could do with them, too. Remember my Toddler Jar? I think I'll be making another one of those, and include activities to develop skills and little things I could teach.

Today I've been researching potty training. I tried once before, but it was way too early. She wasn't ready and I just got frustrated. Lately she's been going into the bathroom. Her potty is set up right next to the big toilet. She'll sit down next to me still clothed and wearing her diaper, says she's going tee-tee (though I seriously doubt she really is). I'll hand her a wad of toilet paper to wipe and she'll carefully wipe her self, despite being fully clothed, and then she'll flush the toilet for me. She's been wanting to wear her Disney princess underwear, and loves being sans clothing whenever we're at home. She's been telling me when she's going, so I think she's ready. This weekend I'll be going out to pick up some little potty prizes, and we've been discussing the potty all morning. We even watched a bunch of stupid potty song videos on YouTube. (Most of which were disturbing, but Claire still loved them.) They got her excited about using the potty. Come Monday, she'll have to say goodbye to her diapers, but she'll get to wear the coveted princess panties.

I guess the idea of having to teach my child to go to the bathroom in the toilet feels so daunting right now. However, I do not wear diapers, and neither do most grown ups. Obviously it can be done. Right? I know I can do so much better as a mom, and I'm excited about the changes and plans. I guess I'll just need to focus on the small victories for a while, instead of counting the number of times Claire asks me to sing the ABCs with her. I spend so much time worrying and looking at my incomplete to-do list that I haven't fully enjoyed the ride. The dishes can wait. I don't need to wash the burner pans three times a week, and who cares if my carpet is perfectly vacuumed every day? I'd much rather play catch and do somersaults anyway.