It's Happening Again.

I was put on Prozac the second Aoife was born. (ok so maybe not the exact second, but probably a few hours after.) And I think it really helped. I had been blaming myself for Aoife being born early and for her having to be in the NICU. I would cry whenever I was at home and then the flood works would turn on the second the nurse pulled the privacy curtain in the hospital. And then I was doing really well. I mean freakishly well. My prescription ran out toward the beginning of May and there was something weird with the refill. The pharmacy never called back and I forgot about it. Flash forward about a month and the crazy starts coming out.

I think it started a few weeks ago, but I didn't realize it until the other day. I've put on ten pounds in 5 weeks. Simple tasks like doing the dishes or putting Claire's toys in her basket make climbing Mt. Everest seem like an easy feat. I'm just so drained and not sleeping well. The other day was particularly challenging and that's when I realized maybe something's not right.

I decided to try a family practice doctor and see if she could get me pointed in the right direction. My appointment was yesterday. The office had a cute play room for kids which Claire loved. When the nurse took us back a couple nurses came running to see the girls and were immediately smitten. Claire is a BUSY girl. I mean, REALLY busy. She kept opening and slamming the door while the nurse was taking my vitals. So another nurse came and took her to play. I didn't see Claire for the rest of the appointment. The nurses watched Elmo with her, fed her goldfish, and even tried teaching her how to say, "peace out". Claire had the BEST time with her new friends.

Anyway, This cute blonde doctor came in and started chatting with me. I haven't been feeling the same as when I had postpartum depression before so I really thought maybe I'm just over exhausted and that's why I'm on edge lately. And then she started asking me detailed questions about how I've been feeling, what I do when I'm feeling that way, and why I might be feeling like that. As we were talking I noticed myself fighting to not start SOBBING in the exam room and I realized I absolutely have PPD again and just as severe, but it's been manifesting itself in a different way than before. Awesome.

So an hour and a half later I'm back on prozac, an anti-anxiety medicine to help relax me enough to fall asleep, and referrals to various counselors. It wasn't until after the appointment I realized how insane I am. I love my kids. Really. Claire's a really good girl and while she's discovering that tantrums mean time-outs, she is surprisingly obedient, loving, and incredibly sweet. Aoife has been sleeping pretty consistently from 9 or 10 till 5-5:30ish.

So if any of y'all have been wondering why I've been a bit snarky lately, why I'm dressed like a homeless person, or why the bottoms of my eyes are sagging to my knees, it's because I'm a mom.