I love reading. Sometimes I forget that about myself and I go through a weird cycle.
I won't read for a while. Because obviously, who has time for that?!
A book I've been wanting to read that I put on hold at the library ages ago is finally waiting at said library with my name on it.
I bust through it in less than 24 hours, the dishes are piled up in the sink, and the bags under my eyes vaguely resemble the state of Rhode Island.
I may or may not find more books because I remembered how much I enjoy reading.
I stop reading because I feel like I'm being a terrible mother/wife/housekeeper for reading.
Repeat indefinitely.
I just get so caught up in books. And I have no happy median. At least not yet.
A couple months ago I started a list of every book I have ever read. (Or at least those I can remember.) ((In case you didn't know, I love lists. I have a little pink notebook FULL of them.)) At first I was really cute and started making my list in a Word Doc. When Ross peeked over at I was doing, I'm sure he rolled his eyes and gracefully transformed my meaningless list in an Excel spreadsheet. And then of course he showed me how to alphabetize it with a single click and showed me where I could even add the date I read it, if I so desired. I haven't had that inclination, but it is a pretty snazzy list. I love computer/technology smart people.
So I have this list. And it's cool. But it also reminds me of how much I enjoy reading. And the competitive side of me wants to fill that sucker up. So I had Ross take a picture of me right after we made my list:
I love that list. And I don't even know why. I love seeing everything I've read. The thing I miss most about school is the reading and intelligent conversation. It sounds weird, especially after enduring sleepless nights writing papers, stress crying, and mini panic attacks, but I really miss tearing apart literature, analyzing every detail, and discussing it. Some day I'll get back to that. But for now, I'll just turn pages and sip on my Diet Coke. And poor Ross will valiantly endure my 11 PM one way conversation about whatever book I've finished. He's so wonderful.
We had kind of an exciting weekend. We bought a car. Our little CR-V has been wonderful and I can still remember the day we bought that. Ross and I were engaged. He was going to be heading to Provo for school, and we knew we'd need a new car. I had a Mustang, which I loved, but they don't do very well in snow. So we hopped onto Craigslist to poke around for fun, but we ended up driving to look at a car only a few hours later. It's hauled wedding presents, made the journey between Portland and Provo many times, brought home my babies from the hospital, and stuck with me on the seemingly never ending paper route. I love this car.
We've kind of outgrown it. With two monster car seats and Claire constantly kicking the back of my seat, it was time to move up in the word and purchase a second vehicle. (Seriously, the bills of being a grown up aren't fun, but this whole having a REAL job thing is AWESOME!) Ross is doing a great job bringing home the bacon, and it makes me even more proud of how great he did in school.
Growing up, there were a few things I SWORE I would never do. !) Attend any form of BYU.
2)Live in Utah.
3) Drive a mini-van.
God has a sense of humor.
We knew we wanted to stick with Honda or Toyota. We looked at Pilots and Highlanders, but when it came down to it, we needed a car that seated 7-8, could fit our massive stroller, and had awesome gas mileage. You really can't beat a minivan. I started paying attention to the cars on the road. Madison is full of minivans.
We spent a LONG day at the dealership on Saturday. With the two girls, we were the Loveland Circus. Honestly, that was awful. The staff were so catering and brought the girls snacks and water bottles and kept trying to find things to entertain them, but 5 1/2 hours is a LONG time. Never again.
It has the rear DVD console thing. The other day the girls and I did a major grocery shop. Claire was about 3 hours past nap time. On the way home from the store, I let her watch a movie. That ride home was the quietest drive EVER. I could kiss whoever thought to put those DVD players in cars.
I love how roomy it is! And as embarrassing as it is to admit, it's actually fun to drive. Ross pulled it out of the dealership garage over to where the CR-V was parked. I was sitting in the back and had the stupidest grin. It's so different from our little SUV, it felt like a ride.
It's been fun having two cars, and thinking of all the fun things we get to do now. Ross gets to take the girls out while I'm at school, I don't have to take him to work or pick him up anymore, it's great! While I feel like I'm not officially a mom, we love the newest Loveland.
Look how well they fit! And Claire can't kick the back of my chair anymore!
I've been incredibly crabby lately. It could be a number of things:
-the weather going back and forth
-getting a little stir crazy
-girls on a random nap schedule
-missing work outs
-running out of Diet Coke
-missing friends
-missing Utah County
Anyway, because of whatever reason I've been yelling at my kids. I hate that. I never ever wanted to be the mother that yelled. So I'd yell, and feel awful, and I'd feel worse, and I'd yell some more, and it was just an awful downward spiral.
So yesterday I made a goal to go a month without yelling. Hopefully that will be enough time to make it a habit. I caught myself twice today, but so far so good.
I've been struggling here. I'm not sure what it is. I feel like people here are just overall busier. Real grown up life is MUCH different from student Provo life. My schedule has it so I'm busy with school at night, spend most of the weekend with Ross and the girls because I'm gone at night. The girls are on random nap schedules, so planning play dates is out. It's been really frustrating and it's been hard to make friends.
Today I decided that all of our children will probably be girls just so I have mandatory girl friends.
This morning I vetoed Aoife's morning nap and went straight to the gym to get my work out out of the way. I've missed the last couple days because I've been waiting on the girls' schedule. They both screamed and cried the whole way there and I felt like Mother of the Year. Once we were there, they were great, and I actually had the best work out I've had since we moved. (Thank you, endorphins.)
After we got a few groceries before heading home for nap time. I got to eat lunch by myself and stuffed myself with watermelon. When the girls woke up, I was shocked that it wasn't even 1:00 yet. I scooped them up and headed out to check out Hilldale Mall. I've been told a couple times that I needed to walk it and just check out the stores. Claire wasn't too keen on leaving, so I let her bring along her toy stroller and lamby. She ran all over pushing her stroller and had a blast.
We could have spent all day (and all our money) in Anthropology. That store always rekindles my inner crafty side. Hopefully I'll find a few DIY projects to keep my busy and spruce up the house. We spent the other half of our time in the toy store. We'll definitely be going back with Ross some time.
We finished the afternoon with dollar sundaes by the lake. We're right across the street from the lake, but we still hadn't made our way over there yet. I've been wanting to check it out and with the weather at 82 degrees, I couldn't have asked for a better day. I took off Claire's shoes so she could stick her toes in. She was really nervous about it at first and it took a lot of warming up to the idea, but soon she was trying to go in as far as she could and kept asking to sit in the water. Not my plan. Both girls ended up soaking their shorts. I held Aoife's hands so she could stand in the water. She kept buckling her knees and laughing in an attempt to sit in the water, too.
It was the perfect afternoon and just what I needed.
Perfect work out, fun afternoon date, and Diet Coke in my fridge. Hellllooooo weekend!! :]
I was chatting with the salon teacher the other night while we were both getting some pedis. (There are tons of fun perks of being in beauty school, but that's another post for another day.) This woman is an athlete. Next month she's doing a 12 mile swimming race. Anyway, her feet were pretty beat up from all her running and training. And then she looked over at mine and asked why mine looked so good.
We've been in Wisconsin for a tough over four months now. We're establishing a routine and we're finally settled enough that I can get back to my fitness goals. So we sat there, feet soaking, and we were chatting about the weather. She said Wisconsin has two seasons. There is 8-9 months of winter, and the rest is construction season.
I've just been running on a treadmill at the gym. And I've only been doing about two miles each time. Earlier this week, the weather was GORGEOUS. The girls and I took a country drive and stopped at a creamery for ice cream. And they had the most adorable baby cow. I was tempted to ask Ross to quit and take up farming. The sun and the country had me itching for a long road run.
We just finished up a curriculum at school, so we had Saturday off. All week I had planned my run. Ross was prepared to let me go (And go and go and go). I wanted to run down the road to a monastery and then check out a big park by the lake on the way back. Originally when I decided to start running again, I looked up my old training schedule. I used it last summer to really get back to running. I loved that schedule. It was extremely novice, but by the end of the five weeks, I could run 5 miles in 45 minutes.
When push came to shove, I decided to not use the plan. I figured I could just tough it out and hope for the best.
Well, Saturday came. I packed my little water carrier thing, started out. Turned around before I left the apartment complex to put the water back. For some reason, I kept the carrier. It kept riding up, bouncing around, and rubbing. I spent most of the time fidgeting with the stupid thing. And there was the wind. And the hills I somehow forgot about. I went probably halfway when I decided I had had enough fun. I made sure I ran the whole way back, had a sandwich, and ended up taking a nap that was longer than my run.
Here's the thing about running. It is incredibly humbling. Everyone has to start somewhere, I get that. But, when that starting point is significantly lower than what you had in your head, your chest is a bit less puffed out and your head is a whole lot smaller.
There's a saying that goes something like, missing your run for seven days makes one weak. well imagine missing your run for close to six months. I have put my Runners Anonymous shirt to shame.
Running is always going to be hard. It's hard to wake up, hard to tie your shoes and step out the door. For some, mile 1 is hard. For others, it isn't hard until mile 12. And you can always make it harder. When mile 12 gets easier, you try to do it faster. And then sometimes there's wind and hills and rain. In high school, our cross country shirts said, "Our sport is what your sport does for punishment." Runners are a special breed.
And I think I'll spend the afternoon writing out that training plan on my little calendar to start on Monday.
There are all kinds of moms out there: moms who stay at home, moms who work, moms who go to school, moms who work from home, moms who also are 'dad'... You get it. And all of them are wonderful.
Once upon a time, being a mother was enough. And then came Facebook. And Pinterest. And all of a sudden being a mom isn't good enough unless your child has had sewn coordinating outfits, cute designs out of nutritious food laid out on a plate for each meal, flawless hair, fluent in five languages (that you, the mother, taught yourself), and exceptional developmental skills. And that's just with ONE child. As for you,you never turn on the TV, the house is spotless, meals are on time and never burnt, you are crafty, you exercise, you have clean cute clothes, you can do anything yourself. You are crafty, creative, kind, smart, patient, an expert in home decor and organizing, the list could go on and on and on. But let's get real here. This is reality for most of us.
On Facebook, I often see long posts that talk about how a mom painted the house, mowed the lawn, tutored all 15 children, has dinner in the oven, grocery shopped, shaved her legs, and worked out. All before 9 AM. And that used to make me feel bad about myself.
I think as women, we tend to judge. Not only that, but we judge ourselves on an extreme level. We nitpick and don't give credit where credit is due. It's hard enough being 'just a mom' in a world where women are encouraged to graduate, have a career, see the world, and enjoy their bodies before starting families. Like this clip:
To clarify, Mormons are not taught to have as many children as possible. And since when is having children a bad thing?!
And that's a little sad to me. I'm turning 23 this month and have two daughters. I can't tell you how many times I've been asked if they were accidents, why I got married so young and had kids, what I would rather be doing, or if I'm happy with this life.
I am exhausted. I'm tired, Sometimes I get frustrated, but I love families. I wouldn't trade this in for anything in the world. This weekend, Aoife was sick. Outrageously sick, I was covered in vomit. In my hair, my skin, my clothes, carpet, couch, you name it, she hit it. And all Aoife wanted was to cuddle and be held. So I sat there in the middle of the night holding that sweet girl stinky, uncomfortable, and watched Thumbelina. I hate when my kids are sick. I feel so badly for them. But those are the sweetest moments. They cuddle and snuggle and for a few hours, mom is cooler than almost as cool as dad.
There was something circulating called 'Dear Mom on the iPhone". If you haven't seen it, here's the gist:
“Dear Mom on the iPhone…Your little girl is spinning
round and round, making her dress twirl. She is such a little beauty
queen already, the sun shining behind her long hair. She keeps glancing
your way to see if you are watching her.
You aren’t.
Your little boy keeps shouting, ‘Mom, MOM watch this!’ I see you acknowledge him, barely glancing his way.
He sees that too. His shoulders slump, but only for a moment, as he finds the next cool thing to do.”
But here's what you don't know. That little girl spinning around and around has probably been going at 100 miles per hour since 5:30 AM. That little boy shouting MOM, may or may not be shouting MOM all hours of the day. Heaven forbid that mother check her Facebook or look at Instagram for a few minutes. That might be the only social interaction she gets. That mother probably sings the ABC's ten million times a day, reads her child's favorite story over and over, and plays Hide and Seek. What that mother probably doesn't do is take some time for herself.
Of course playing with your children is important. The negative, guilt tripping articles don't encourage good parenting. I honestly believe that parents do their absolute best. Someone's best may not be the same as your best. We need to be supportive and encouraging instead of quickly passing judgement.
When Claire was younger, we were at Costco. We were in line waiting to check out. This was when the sleepless nights were the usual. She was fussing and screaming and I stood there pushing the full cart back and forth trying to entertain her. Amid the glares and stares and the unspoken "Please shut that child up" an old man came up to me, grabbed my arm in a gentle way and told me what a good job I was doing and that I had the greatest job ever. That this was the hardest job on the planet, but that it was the best. I'll never forget that. Imagine what the world could be like if we took the time to give encouraging compliments to complete strangers who so obviously need encouragement.
For the mother that will only dress her baby in Baby Gap, you are awesome. The mother that can plan preschool lessons with snacks and activities to match the week's theme: You are amazing! The moms who are running on fumes and popping open a Diet Coke before 8 AM: You're doing a great job. Hang in there. Being a mom is hard. With Pinterst teaching us how to 'Clean your house like a PRO!", Cook delicious gourmet healthy meals, and teach our children Latin in 5 days or less, sometimes we get caught up and forget that we are human. More often than not, I have fruit loops ground into my carpet, laundry piled up, and last night's dinner dishes in the sink.
But, if I spent that time scrubbing away, instead of watching Claire's new favorite show with her, I might have missed out on this:
Moms, you are amazing. Whether you work, stay home, go to school, or are doing this solo: I am amazed by all that you do. I am grateful for all of you and the examples you set for me. It is hard. No one can sum this up better than Elder Holland.
I've been sporting my short hair for a while now. (Like what? A week and a half?) So here's what's up.
At school we had a student appreciation day where we got to work on each other and just hang out. Two of my trusty classmates helped me lighten it to take out the gold/yellow locks, so now it's back to a pretty blonde color. Perfect for summer. My teacher also helped thin and texturize it. I have enough hair for an army, so the original cut wasn't quite working. It's SO much better!
But here's the thing. I'm still learning. I don't know a ton about short hair, so I've been playing and trying to do something different with it each day.
Sometimes, especially in the morning when it's all fluffy, I feel like I look like this.
Sometimes, I'll play with my make up and attempt a cat eye. And then I feel like I look like a cat. Or kind of like Madam Hooch. (And she looks like a cat, too.)
And then sometimes, I try to style it edgy and spiky. But honestly, I come out looking like a pokemon character.
And once in a blue moon, I'll have a good hair day, but make stupid faces.
I'm so grateful for everyone who's told me it looks good and that they like it rather than meow or chirp at me.
It's a trendy, fun cut, but let's get real here. I'm a mom. I shop at Old Navy, wear sneakers, and am window shopping online for minivans. So the cut is a good thing. I do feel super trendy with it.
Sometimes, I'll go to put my hair in a ponytail, like when I'm doing dishes, only to find that I don't have any hair TO put up. It's pretty weird. It's been fun to mess around with, and I'm learning about what different products do. (Which is dangerous. I was already a product junkie!) Overall, I'm still don't regret it.
This move has not been kind to my body. I was thrown completely off schedule, resorted to comfort food, and now weigh the most I have since Aoife was born. A few weeks ago, I took some measurements and they're actually almost exactly the same as right after Aoife was born, except I weigh a tad more. Talk about depressing.
I'm usually a night time work out kind of gal, but now class fills that slot. . Our complex has a little workout room, and I've gone in there a few times. I'm not a morning person. No matter how great my intentions, the option to sleep while I can always trumps. I tried going during the day and dragging this girls along with me. I loaded up my bag with toys and drinks, and snacks, and even turned the TV to a kid's station, but the girls were always more interested in jumping on the treadmill with me. Then we tried the living room option. Which was great for a while, until my schedule got crowded and I realized I was spending most of my workout time trying to distract the kids. I wasn't being a great mom, and I wasn't giving myself the time I needed either.
Yesterday Ross and I signed up at The Princeton Club. My pants still fit, though they aren't as roomy, my shirts don't look as cute, and most importantly, I don't feel as cute as before. Ross gets a pretty good deal through Epic, so we signed on for 2 years. And I'm really excited about it. The girls get to go play, and I get to focus on me. The kid's place is split into two. They have an area for bigger kids, and a separate room for babies. Claire has been having a blast, and never wants to leave. Unfortunately, Aoife will need some adjusting.
Now come the goals:
Last month I signed up for this race.
Initially, I thought I would just do it for fun. And it will be fun, but really, I want to do it at an 8 min mile pace.
By the end of summer, I want to do a full unassisted pull up. Just one.
This month, I want to lose five pounds. If I do, I'll reward myself with a new workout shirt. Probably one of these.
And maybe a fro-yo date night. Though sometimes I feel guilty rewarding myself with food.
Today was my first REAL run since moving. And it was fantastic. I like running. And I look smashing in spandex. But really, it went so much better than I anticipated. I was so excited, I called my dad for some running tips to make my goal. And I think he was so excited, he's making me up my own training plan!
I'm excited. I forgot how much I really enjoy working out. And planning my diet. Groupon in Wisconsin is AMAZING. In Utah, I got a ton for food, and random online classes. But here we've gone a little crazy. We did the water park thing, and we also scored some rock climbing passes, and a day of paddle boarding on the lake. It's been fun finding active things to do around here and the weather has even been fantastic the last few days. (Can you tell? I don't sound depressed anymore. It's been a big mood booster.) Summer is going to be awweeeeesoooome.
